I choose to live I  know I have not been writing in a while since surgery. I wanted to document it, but I got carried away with some other things. It was not that bad though because I found another form of expressing myself in a therapeutic way. Painting, yes, painting, I learned painting by accident. I received canvasses for Christmas, and when I held a brush, I didn't stop. I was carried away and fell in love with acrylic painting. It was like being swallowed in a warm hole and I was into it. My strokes were improving and I was hungry for more. It was therapeutic. It unleashed the images that was haunting my dreams and visions. I mean, I would talk about how I see patterns and colors and dimensions in a weird and bizarre way. It was almost enjoyable and a very unique experience. But it was not, it was because my optic nerves are being compressed, that's why I am seeing things an a different dimension. My senses would merge, sense of smell and taste. We would be in the car and I would smell and taste salmon at the same time.At that time I found it so weird. I had experienced bugs crawling under my skin, literally and I was looking at the area and feeling the bugs but there' no bug. I told this to my doctor and she said it is paresthesia. The brain tricking my body to act in a certain way. A neurological response to probably a compressed nerve. I am trying to write things again as a form of therapy. Maybe when I write things down it would help me cope with things and heal and be better emotionally. Speaking of emotions, I have been in a roller coaster since before and after surgery. There was an instance where we were watching a scary movie and for some reason while watching it seemed too real for me that I was literally scared. And when the movie we were watching was sad, my emotion would sway into the emotion of the movie. I literally feel the shift of emotion internally. Even after the surgery I remember that when my sister-in-love was starting to tear, I was also starting to tear up. I thought that was so weird. It was like mirroring somebody, and I couldn't help it. I mean, people does not necessarily cry when they see someone cry. But for me I would sometimes do. I find it so weird. But I also read that if one is Vitamin B deficient, they might cry easily. So, now I am taking my vitamins.

There are so many things that I could be talking about but I would like to talk about how I am feeling positive and that I am determined to keep going and tackle each day with great hopes. Some days I might not be feeling good. Some days I may wake up sore and not feeling well, but I am changing my way of looking at it. Maybe that way my brain will follow and be positive. That's what I did before surgery. I tried to keep a positive mind, trusted in the surgical team and then trust that my body will overcome. And I did. And I am so grateful. And so from here on, I think I don't want to think that my body is sick. Maybe I should think of my body of capable to heal itself with every help I could find. Mind, body and soul. I don't want to think that my body is still sick. Maybe that would make me move forward and be healthier and happier. I want to learn to reverse things, keep moving forward despite what I have and what I have been through. I think I am that strong person who will not allow anything to stop her from anything. I will overcome things. I know that there will be obstacles and sometimes difficulties, but that won't be a reason to give up. So, I say to myself, think positive, think healthy, do things healthy and overcome things. Because that's the only choice I want to choose. I choose to be healthy and happy no matter what.  ¶ 9:42 AM (0) comments