I am just trying to find a corner somewhere to just spill out my guts and feelings where no one could judge me. Or that I feel open and just talk about anything without having to worry about filtering my emotions and thoughts for others. And that corner I find it here. Maybe buried somewhere in the bowels of the internet. I borrowed that word from my husband. "deep in the bowels of  the internet" sounds funny to me. In reality that's where I want my deepest and vulnerable emotions and thoughts would be. I do this because I think this is a way for me to feel better afterwards. A coping mechanism so that in real life I would feel normal and at least pretend to be alright despite all the un positive things going on around me where I feel like I am pummelled and hit with tons of unfriendly events that's causing me anguish if I were not  trying to stabilize my mental and emotional bearings in order to keep fighting the odds that are being thrown my way. Nobody of course knows that. They think I am uncaring. Nobody knows but me. I was reading an article about suicide and I cannot go on reading it. It's just devastating and really heavy tug that would pull anybody down who isn't strong enough to keep strong. What I am doing right now is keeping a positive mind. I am actively find ways and means to bolster my mental strength so I can withstand things that even sometimes come from the people who probably think they are helping, or who thinks they are trying to help. Some people who are also humans and does not see it from my point of view. I am trying to understand their point of view and  I would not blame them.

I just got a bad report today of my exam that I am trying to pass in order to take another exam.I didn't quite make it. It improved but that's not what is needed. I find it a consolation that it went up a notch. I have to keep jumping the hoops until I'll make it. I am telling myself "I cannot stop now" I am too close and all I have to do is to keep trying. It takes a lot of me and people around me don't understand that. But it's because it is invisible. I can only feel it and they don't. I get tired trying to explain how it's like to anybody and yet I keep trying to try have them understand yet I know they cannot fully understand what I am trying to describe because honestly, sometimes I cannot find a word to describe what it's like. But I am up for awareness of this disease that I keep hearing that it is common and yet I don't see awareness of the wide scope that are affected by this illness. Like right now I could feel like my head is being slightly squeezed, nobody would be able to feel that when I tell people.I, only can feel it.  It's really in my head. I would feel sensations, pulsations, pressure, sometimes wild colors and patterns and nobody sees what I see even while it is happening while I converse with them. I could smell and taste things, it is wild.  The experiences are unique, sometimes I feel high or low and I mean it in a balancing manner like my head would be so light I feel like I would be flying.Sometimes, it feels heavy that it also alters the way I walk like I am about to tip over. Sometimes I would get dizzy for just a second and then back to normal. I would also be sitting down and I feel like I am riding a roller coaster, zooming in and out or up and down.I am constantly trying to find ways to balance my hormones and I am trying to be proactive about it.Walking is always a great thing and I believe it is basing from my experience.I always feel better after walking.


Just a few moments ago, as I was cooking I was juts crying at the same time. And it has something to do with negative thoughts. The more I believe that my love ones think I am just putting out a drama when I talk about my illness, it hurts more and if I keep on keeping at it the more I feel like I am being jabbed in the heart and it is painful. The more I cried until I switched my thinking and decided to get hold and halt that obsessive thoughts that were torturing me. I think it is true that we can only retain negative memories and this seems to be true with me. I would be doing my own thing and there's  thought that inserts into whatever I was thinking and is mostly negative. It does not matter how long ago it was. I hate these thoughts. I want to remember good times. Not those times I got too embarrassed. Okey, there's this one I just remembered, we were at a DMV office somewhere in Louisiana and I for some reason I tried to look the bathroom I was in, but it didn't lock. So I sat and was on the process and for some reason, somebody who didn't see me go in there opened the door and the people facing me, saw me squatting in the bathroom. I got really embarrassed. I mean, I could really feel that sinking embarrassment when I passed by, the group of people see me in that bathroom. And that was played in my brain over and over this week while I was cooking. I find it funny now, but at that time I was new to Amurrrica and that really embarrassed me. I was young and naive. I think, there's something to aging that makes a person tougher and not be very sensitive anymore. I want to think that I have grown tougher skin and that it helps me deal with tough things in the long run. Anyway, after having lunch today and taking some of my medications, I think I have felt better and tougher. That's what I need, I need to toughen from within. I don't want to crumble with tough events and frustrations. So many things are very tough right now and I am holding on to the positive thought that things will get better.  ¶ 12:33 PM (0) comments

  Emotional Dumping


It always makes me feel better when I see cats. So I am going to add a photo of Waffle. She was our rescue kitty. She and her kittens have been adopted. I hope they are doing great.  Well, below are just ramblings of my confused and chaotic mind trying to make sense of things.

I would call this the trash bin. I believe that I might be able to feel better if I write the awful feelings I have been having. I believe it is therapeutic and I didn't have to verbally be saying it out loud to the persons involve or thought are involved.I think a lot of times my brain is tricking me into a different way of thin king and dealing with things that are not helpful. Especially the negative aura that I get from people and even loved ones. I kept saying to myself yesterday that these people meant well and I might be the one misinterpreting things. After I slept it off, I felt so much better. But when I was deep in this negative thoughts I was full of resentment and I really felt awful. I was feeling like I need to flee out of here somewhere where I cannot be reached and mostly I feel that way when things gets rough. It's not very good position, we get caught in the middle of other people's business and activities which we would not really like to get involved in but we would feel guilty and have to give in just to make the other person happy. Or that feeling of trying not to offend or make them feel bad,so we just go along as to what they say. I understand, it is really hard to live with people. There will always be compromises. But right at this moment for me, I feel like I want to flee and be free from them. Of course these are things you would never say to loved one's face. Especially to people who have helped you a lot. But this so called help could seem to be a shackle that binds me to them and that feeling is not good. I feel ungrateful thinking that, but I  that's reality and we need to free ourselves from that. We need to work towards that. Meanwhile, patience...patience is key. Even with my condition, I think patience is key. And don't let anyone kill that spirit that is slowly trying to grow within. Strengthen your mind and practice work outs of positive talk to build brain strength. I don't want anyone to crush my spirit just as I thought I am gaining and trying hard to stand again and rise above this. Gotta rise above all these.Patience.....patience.  ¶ 12:10 PM (0) comments

  Don't let anyone crush your spirit I think that I am more determined than ever. I was just told I was being dramatic. I knew that some people may think that way, as I have been reading people in the support group that they have had similar situations even with people close to them. Expecting it makes it more less troubling for me. People who are well don't go through the weird experiences that I go through, so they cannot possibly understand what I am going through. I try to describe it to them but even after I do, I know that my description is the closest thing I would come up with to describe what I am going through. Even when I do that I would get this response that makes me feel that they have not fully understand what I I have just said. To be honest, there are some experiences going through this pituitary issues that I cannot even put to verbal description that it is only a person like myself who undergoes the experience could understand. And I am getting mentally strong, I have been self-talking into positive thinking and way of dealing with things. This is really tough because even the doctors don't know how to respond to the symptoms that I present to them. They simply dismiss them. I believe that what I have is unique that needs to be addressed according to how the symptoms are presented. But yet my endocrinologist just sees it just like everyone who has non functioning macroadenoma. I believe that I may have hypopituitarism, as a complication of the surgery. Just because my hormone levels were within range, my endocrinologist think that everything is okey, yet everyday I have been having problems. Let me list some of my problems that are chronic; Igo to the bathroom almost 20 times in 24 hour period.I drink something and I have the urge to pee just few minutes after ingesting fluid. Sometimes it's just an urge but I have to do it because it is so uncomfortable. I have this itching which is everywhere in my body even my scalp. This itching could be anywhere in my body that seems to have some bubble of water at the tip of the bump and burst when I scratch it. The worst that I cannot handle are the outburst and the extreme mood swings. That little things irritate me and I would be ready to snap. I also noticed a form of paranoia. We would be out in the grocery store and I would think people are looking at me in a bad way and I would be paranoid.Or a cashier does not smile and I take it too negatively. When it happens it does not feel. I just have this hostile feeling within me that I feel like I am ready to snap if anybody even say something bad to me or even if they are not even say anything and I would interpret their facial expression in a very negative manner. My feelings in general is of irritation and agitation. That's just closest to how I could put the feelings into words. It's an overall uneasy,not feel good feeling. The other symptoms I have are heaviness on my eyelids, that almost feeling sleepy. Not all the way alert. Sometimes heaviness of my head. Literally, sensations of heaviness and lightness alternately. Somedays are better, sometimes mild pain, varies in intensity. Well, why am I writing all these down? Because I thought if I can come up with terms to describe all the weird feelings and sensations and symptoms maybe that would help me describe them when I am at the doctor's office. I thing the worst thing is to come out of there with the feeling that they didn't understand or didn't know what I am talking about. It is a depressing feeling. But I am not giving up hope and I just keep on trying to get the help I need. I think I am more determined than before now that I have regained some strength physically and also from simply wanting to get out of the hole that I am stuck in. People may unintentionally crush my spirit but I won't allow that. They may not even know that they are doing that. And I would go this approach that way I would not think that people are intentionally being mean to me. Because thinking that would even compound the reaction I would have.  I would like to think that people just meant well. This kind of thinking would not be possible before my surgery. I would have thought people are just out to get me. This sort of paranoid thinking compounded with catastrophic thinking. Let me describe what this catastrophic thinking, it was worst before my surgery. I would be driving and I have visions of swerving into traffic.And I mean, it was very real vision. Very frightening so makes me so anxious. Cannot think clearly. Brain fog.  I had to always work hard to keep my composure not to wreck the car. After the surgery, I have been calmer, but it still comes and goes. Not totally gone. Not as severe now. My ability to cope during stress has been reduced.After something stressful even, I would feel so drained. Feels mentally and physically exhausted. But following this stressful event I was back to the presurgery feelings that I have had before which are the outbursts, extreme mood swings and anxiety and paranoia. While having that I was having this general not feeling good mood and was not enjoying anything, any activity at all. I was a wreck.And with that, my husband of course would not want to be around me. It is extremely difficult. Well, my MRI is coming up, hopefully things will be better than the other one I had that showed inflammation and infection of the cavernous sinuses behind the sphenoid bone. I have been actively trying to prevent inflammation drinking concoctions of turmeric,coconut,cinnamon and apple cider honey drinks. I even tried parsley tea, to see if my liver will be cleansed. Some of them seems to be helpful, I was able to reduce the headaches but I have been having them again lately with the pressure that goes up my head when I stand. Oh, that  zooming in and out feeling is the worst. I would be sitting down and I would have them. Anyway, I am just mumbling and writing, hoping that this way I am able to feel better. Consider this my outlet to let out the frustrations and anxiety and all the other emotions that accompany this condition. I feel like I am the only one who can understand what's going on. It's true, when I start describing them people may think I am being dramatic. I am just trying to put what I am going through into words. But nobody seems to get it. And it is so frustrating.I seem to get these simplistic replies, that makes me feel that they really didn't get what I am trying to describe and convey. Oh well.  But I am determined more than ever. I am telling myself to just go on forward and manage the symptoms as they come. Afterall, it is me who has to live with this body that gets all that ambivalent feelings and thoughts and reacts in a way that some people find dramatic. I do find it dramatic too. Because when I watch movies I react in a certain way that's comes out as overreaction. I find it difficult to watch something that may not align with my morals, I keep getting angry. Even if I know that it's just tv. Am I insane or what?Anyway, enough with the rambling and let me do something else. Will update again and maybe unload my feelings and thoughts. Meanwhile enjoy the cool weather. It has been excruciatingly hot that I think this cooler weather is so pleasant should be enjoyed by being and about.
 My sweet kitty that passed away. I tear up every time I think of him.He was such a sweet gentle soul.
 Miss him dearly.

  ¶ 11:09 AM (0) comments