Hearts and Thoughts
1/12/2016
What's in the heart?
A full understanding of things can be slow and puzzling at times and when you put things together, the whole picture emerges. Years swept away and gone. It is amazing. I still hold on to the belief that there is something out there for me. Despite of all these events in life. I am seriously reflecting what all these means to me and I Cannot come up with an answer but to think that things happen. Unhealthful happens and that the body sometimes goes through just so much it breaks down at some point. Maybe it was a way for me to cope. But then again, the body's way of recuperating and healing is also amazing. Maybe I have to experience it first hand what's like to be good at it. I still believe in the body's power of healing, I am keeping a positive mind in the great hopes that my body will follow. I cannot still believe what is happening to me. Never thought I would have health problems this way. I was never seriously sick. There were mild headaches and pains here and there. But when I got this, I had everything.And it affected all aspects of my body mental, emotional and the physical. Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. Let me tell you, I woke up this morning because of heartburn. Then I went back to bed and had this bad dream of snakes crawling in through the window, snakes on the bed and some bugs crawling and bounding my ankles. It felt so real, I was feeling it even after I woke up. Creepy images. I am still hoping for a good day. Ain't the end of the world. Not yet.
1/11/2016
Thoughts that fade away
I was reading some of my posts from a decade ago and some are really great. I had to clean the junk out though. A whole lifetime have passed and I didn't need to rekindle old baggage. I just want to go light and do my best to let go of things and thoughts that weighs me down. Heavy things that really prevent me from moving on and be me. Let go and let heal, that's my mantra from here on.
Basing from those old posts that I have read, my life had been so colorful. Full of various events and unexpected twists and turns that I am surprised I was actually able to get out of there. But I am glad that I have kept my sanity and that I want to hold on to that part of me that is good and pure. Maybe innocence, but now with more wisdom and courage and that there's so much that life could really teach us. I would like to age wisely, but most of all to gain back my health which in the first place I thought was healthy and all these time, it was creeping slowly on me without me knowing it. Until it went into a loud explosion.Never knew I had it.
If you see me, I don't look sick at all, it's all up in my head. Literally, and is systemic, it does not show on the outside. The invisible disease that is a pituitary tumor. Yes, that pea size gland that sits right at the heart of the brain that dictates everything is messed up. The gland that controls the homeostasis of the body is not functioning well, thus, no homeostasis and that could really put a person out of wack. It is systemic, it affects all aspects of the body, the physical, mental, emotional are not within balance. I could go on and on about it, but for somebody who does not have it will not be able to understand it. Even myself cannot describe the emotions,the sensations and pain going through my body at times. The thoughts and visions and dreams can get wild. I also have acute hearing that makes me very irritable when I hear certain sounds and noises. I know I hate the sound of chewing, the clicking of pens, the constant clearing of the throat and some others that elicits anger within me that makes me want to punch someone in the face. Oh, you have no idea. To go eat at a restaurant that's pack with people and you could hear every noise they make, the conversations sounds like bees buzzing in my ear, and is not pleasant. It wasn't like I was just annoyed, there are negative emotions welling up within me and I had to almost cover my ears, it was horrible. I don't know when my head ache would erupt into a full blown migraine and there are days when I cannot literally tolerate certain activities. I feel too fatigue even if I am not doing anything. My back would be hurting, my joints would be in pain even if I am just sitting. And there's this jolts of pain in my right hand, almost feels like electrical voltage running up and down my hand out of the blue. Or my belly would be hurting and cannot sleep.Or my chest would be hurting and I would have heartburn that wakes me up very early in the morning like four and would not be able to sleep. Oh, I could go on and on. It's miserable and that's not all, the thoughts are also killing me. If I have been in a stressful situation, my brain plays over and over the scenarios in my head like a million times I could not sleep.
Basing from those old posts that I have read, my life had been so colorful. Full of various events and unexpected twists and turns that I am surprised I was actually able to get out of there. But I am glad that I have kept my sanity and that I want to hold on to that part of me that is good and pure. Maybe innocence, but now with more wisdom and courage and that there's so much that life could really teach us. I would like to age wisely, but most of all to gain back my health which in the first place I thought was healthy and all these time, it was creeping slowly on me without me knowing it. Until it went into a loud explosion.Never knew I had it.
If you see me, I don't look sick at all, it's all up in my head. Literally, and is systemic, it does not show on the outside. The invisible disease that is a pituitary tumor. Yes, that pea size gland that sits right at the heart of the brain that dictates everything is messed up. The gland that controls the homeostasis of the body is not functioning well, thus, no homeostasis and that could really put a person out of wack. It is systemic, it affects all aspects of the body, the physical, mental, emotional are not within balance. I could go on and on about it, but for somebody who does not have it will not be able to understand it. Even myself cannot describe the emotions,the sensations and pain going through my body at times. The thoughts and visions and dreams can get wild. I also have acute hearing that makes me very irritable when I hear certain sounds and noises. I know I hate the sound of chewing, the clicking of pens, the constant clearing of the throat and some others that elicits anger within me that makes me want to punch someone in the face. Oh, you have no idea. To go eat at a restaurant that's pack with people and you could hear every noise they make, the conversations sounds like bees buzzing in my ear, and is not pleasant. It wasn't like I was just annoyed, there are negative emotions welling up within me and I had to almost cover my ears, it was horrible. I don't know when my head ache would erupt into a full blown migraine and there are days when I cannot literally tolerate certain activities. I feel too fatigue even if I am not doing anything. My back would be hurting, my joints would be in pain even if I am just sitting. And there's this jolts of pain in my right hand, almost feels like electrical voltage running up and down my hand out of the blue. Or my belly would be hurting and cannot sleep.Or my chest would be hurting and I would have heartburn that wakes me up very early in the morning like four and would not be able to sleep. Oh, I could go on and on. It's miserable and that's not all, the thoughts are also killing me. If I have been in a stressful situation, my brain plays over and over the scenarios in my head like a million times I could not sleep.
