It is fall again and the temperatures are getting nicer. I painted this last fall and have been painting since. I think I am better and able to paint more complicated things but as any skill, it would need to be polished and keep working on it as I go. I got motivated today because I read Ribbon X ramblings about her surgery. We did have undergone the same procedure. In fact, yesterday was one of my worst emotional roller coaster because of my menopausal reversal. What I mean by this is that I was given by my reproductive endocrinologist synthetic progesterone to start my period. Yes, I am 40 and had not been having my period for 2 years. He said my gonadotropins are low. I was actually furious when I heard my endocrinologist knew that my reproductive hormones were low and all they did was call me that everything was normal and that I should reschedule my appointment with her in 1 year. I feel like she is not much help. I knew that because she does not have any input when I talk about my symptoms. I am just glad that I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist who is more knowledgeable about what hormones does to the body. I am even sent to test for hepatitis because my liver function test was elevated, something I mentioned to my primary doctor and she dismissed it to be medication induced without testing. I now think that I have to be more proactive and be more persistent in monitoring my lab results. Seems some doctors just rely too much on standard interpretation of lab results. I know that when one has endocrine problems it affects a lot of the organs in the body. And my endocrinologist is not helping me with what is going on so I get so frustrated. Anyway, I guess that's why I come and rant here to ease the frustrations I have. Some days my moods are good and maybe sort of think that things will get better. Yesterday was the worst after taking my progesterone and had my period, it's the last day of my period and I was too emotional. I turned from stone to something very soft and mushy.I cried a lot. It felt like there's a dark cloud over me. It felt like I was in a dark hole and kept spiralling deeper and deeper and I couldn't help it. That's how I had a glimpse of what depressed people might be suffering from. It felt like falling into a black hole and cannot get out of it. I know that it is irrational, but that's how my body feels and I cannot separate the two. It take a willpower to really spiritually pick yourself up out of that black hole. It is not a joke, in my mind I wanted to do things. I wanted to paint, but when I am in that state, nothing is done. My body just gets limp and just wants to lay down and wants to fall asleep. Anyway, that's how it felt like. So I am not sure whether feeling nothing is better or being too fragile. It is on the extreme sides of the spectrum and that's what hormones does. Right amounts of hormones, regulates mood. So, after my husband brought me out to eat chinese food, we went to Publix and I saw tiramisu, I decided we should try. We grabbed a couple of spoons and brought it to the mall and sat on an outdoor table and chairs and had our coffee and tiramisu. It was indeed a treat. Then we walked around, I started to feel better. We got a DVD and watched Bill Hader and Amy schumer. I forgot the title now. Gosh, see the brain fog. I cannot recall the title. Anyway, Amy Schumer was such a slut in this movie, she just slept with every guy she meets even a 16 year old intern in her company, so she got fired. Anyway, what I learned, when you are feeling you are in a depressed state, try something new, take a long walk. It helps me a lot. I would do yoga, work out, or go running, it always lifts my spirit. It is medically proven because, exercise gets the good hormones flow. So, today, I am looking into painting something. It's just really shows how mood and creativity go hand in hand. My creative nature does not come out when I am in a depressed mood.I have to go shake it off first. Then start all over again. I have constant mental battle on a daily basis. So, I do a lot of reading of how to keep the mind healthy too. I have to do this because my doctors don't talk about the psychological, emotional and social aspect of my disease. I wish my doctors would see it in a more holistic manner.It's a struggle, but I just have to keep on keeping on and get the help I need. Maybe proactive in gaining back health. Keep managing it, because I refuse to give up. Manage it from day to day. I know, yesterday, I have been having this pain, stabbing pain on my right side of my chest and abdomen and it made me physically ill.A generalized body malaise yesterday, so I am curious as to what the result of my hepatitis lab work. I have always thought my liver might be enlarged. And it turns out I might be right, but I will wait and see what it says. Hopefully it's not what they think it is. but we'll see. I will update you on that. Meantime, keep on keeping on....
