Hearts and Thoughts
computer junky
That's right. I must have spent the whole day in this virtual world and now my neck is starting to ache. I'm trying to drain down my brain and unload all these junk out of my head. Although my heart of course holds most of them craps I can't deny. I really meant my worries and baggage that's keeping my shoulders heavy you know. Sometimes I get so worried about little stuff, which I shouldn't even worry about. I hate it when my mind would play the thoughts over and over in my head. Sometimes I would have to reassure myself that as long as I am doing my job, there's nothing to worry about. The part of the day that I get raided with these burdening thoughts is during bed time when I lay on the bed. Thoughts come streaming to my head like tiny needles peircing my brain cells. I would have to turn and toss to wrestle these negative thoughts. There are nights that it gets worst, somedays I sleep like an angel. hopefully tonight would be one of those peaceful nights.
From my time to the present and maybe the future
Again, summers reminds me of home. Home of course where a lot of nice memories. As they say "There's no place like home." But I can remember when I was back home I cannot wait to leave home. Now that I am thousand miles home,I long to go back. I guess because I came to the realization that no matter how "home" sucks, it is still home.It is in the exploration of the horizons and the seas and the mountains that I learn how important home is. I have been away for a long time now and whatever left of home are only in my memories.And yes, summer reminds me so much of the hot humid days I spent with my parents in the province. I can recall those days when we have to go to the nearby town to buy some groceries. Some days when we get so unlucky and it rains, we would have to wallow in mud puddles to get to town or get back home. If we are lucky enough we would ride in an overloaded jeepney where the seats are almost occupied by goods, no aisle visible and feet can hardly move under all those groceries and luggages. Some guys would stay on top of the jeepney (top load) but they have tried to pass ordinances against overloading and top loading the last time I visited. It was sunny during those times, muggy and humid. Of course in the far flung places away from town they don't even have air conditioners nor electricity. Atleast from what I recall growing up, people are very friendly and as much as possible generous and there was respect towards each other. I mean in a village where everybody knows thier nieghbors, they try to be more like a family. Something we might not see nowadays. I can remember some nights when we caught in the middle of a storm, we didn't have to worry, we would just spend the night to the first house we can find. And there was nothing to worry about, they gave us, warm food and shelter and the next day we could go ahead on our way home. As I told you when it rains or storms there may not be any vehicles traveling, so in order to get home in the village we have to walk even at night. When we have to go to town we would wake up at three o'clock or even earlier to catch the jeepney that heads to town at five o'clock at the next village. If you oversleep, the jeepney would be gone by the time you get there. See how inconvinient the way of life over there. But that's a way of life, everyone has to do it and so, nobody really complains.
Of course when I go back I am sure there will be changes, my mom told me that electricity have reached the remote erea they live. The last time I visited home, I actually saw some people have televisions. I was amazed, I asked them how they do that withought electricity, they said they used "batteries" from the truck and they recharge them every now and then. Amazing! These little improvement can change the lives of people.
Yes, whenever I would visit home when I was young, they only listen to dramas played on the radio. Now they can watch television. I mean of course I lived and studied in a more progressive town, so I am already exposed to them. In a way I didn't want the people to lose thier sense of innocence. But I guess being able to experience the wonder of electricity isn't that bad. What I am worried about are the changes in the people that leads to decadence, especially of what they see on televisions. Somehow I like to preserve that innocence, the way the treat each other. Oh, well, I guess I don't have the power to do that.All I can do is wish. It's normal phenomenon beyond human control. Thinking of that place and where I am now, it seems to me that I am almost transported way forward to the future. I mean J says that it was also like that here maybe 50 or 60 years ago. How fast could it go? It seems to me that as we head towards material progression, the moral aspect goes the opposite way. More and more man is obsessed with gaining material things and in the process he forgets what's really important. More and more people's efforts are geard towards technological advancement, the spiritual and moral aspect is no longer taken into consideration.They are ven starting to make thier own kind a lab rat. Where are we heading....is it towards man's own destruction from his very own inventions?
shadows of the night
it's at the middle of the night.The deafening silence is actually scary. I can just hear the sound of the cars passing by the street and the squeaking sound of my chair and of course the sound of my fingers wearing out the keyboard with the blowing air conditioner on the background. It is a nice time to think, to reflect, recollect and to feel the heart beat.To feel how the feeling is and feeel it with all the senses. Feel it with the deep breath, with the muscles of the airwys feel the air going in and out. While the rest of the town are deep in slumber, I try to feel the peace that surrounds me. Feel it, touch it, embrace it. Now, this reminds me of my childhood. Me and my sister would stay out at night and watch the stars, from my parent's place where I grew up, they skies seems wider,almost round infinite. We would lay down on the grass and dream and chat and giggle. Some nights I would sneak out alone because my dad does not allow us to stay out late for security reasons. And in those nights I can remember, I would stare up the sky and whisper some prayers.I can almost feel a direct connection to the heavens. I would see the brightest star and see myself being guided by one of these bright stars. Sometimes I wondered about my future and pray and seems right there and then I would feel the presence of the Holy spirit. If I could describe those wonderful feelings. Of course after that I would get to bed and get burried to deep dreams and restful sleep. And each morning I would be awaken by the crowing of the roosters or clanging of some cofee pots or the shouting of my dad. He believes in the saying "The early bird catches the worm." So rise and shine as soon as the sun is up.Of course as a young kid then I would remain cuddling my blankets and pillows for a little bit longer before finally heeding to him. Those were the days....of course I am already a grown up woman now, but those nice memories still remain and would sometimes flip in the pages of my life.
Powerful words
The mind has a thousand eyes,
And the heart but one;
Yet the light of a whole life dies
When its love is done
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in a world where there is so much beauty, prudence, and extravagance..i think..i wish..i dream..
i see beauty that blinds me from the moment it appears.my heart skips a beat&my entire being's engulfed by amazement of the wonder i see before me;an exquisite radiance,sparkling w rarity&simply just beauty!that's what i see when i see u smile
am amazed how they come up with such magical words.Full of emotions, some even goes beyond what we can fathom. They can go down, sink into the abyss into the very core of our humanity, they can carve themselves along the streams,down ito the main seas. Some settle at the very bottom, some remains at the surface. Some chisel themselves into the human muscles called heart. Deep, powerful words touches the heart, touches the soul, touches our very within and they come alive through our actions. They spread, it is contagious, especially when used in good spirit. Words do seem to have thier spirit of their own, they can possess our physical body, make it thier body to multiply awakens the human spirit.
Bummer!!!
I know. It must be my fault. I wasn't being clear on the purpose of my phone call. I was so frustrated and mad. The other thrre telephone calls went well though. Gosh! this job hunting process could be so frustrating. I mean, I got off early from work and started calling this people. I called the wrong first person, but she also made me think how to deal with the next. It's just that, J seem to like that location. Golly! I messed up.But I guess that's the point of calling. FOR PRACTICE, to know what to expect.MY, I could be so hot tempered I guess. Sometimes my mind is even stronger than my actions. But in my mind I kept saying" I can do this!" "I have to do this", it's more like, "I have to brave this!". This is for my own good.If I can only be more determined. I know......I get scared and frustrated and ugh! I have to gather myself, be calm and remind myself there's nothing wrong, it's not that bad. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT . ICAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT. I CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT.Etc.
Spilled Milk
I didn't cry over the spilled milk. Yes I did spilled milk while I was warming it up. Instead of warming it up it proceeded boiling. Well, anyway, I am trying to induce sleep. I hope it's not just a myth. I just need to get to work early tomorrow.I hope tomorrow ill be a good day.
Yeah, speaking of work, do you actually like your work? I mean I wonder how many people really sincerely love thier jobs. Not a lot maybe. It is very rare to get into a job that one likes. Many of course just work for financial reasons. I don't necessarily love my work but I do all the best I can once I am in. I mean, I see people come and just do thier jobs half ass. Most of my co-workers are women and they do spend almost half of thier time just talking, chatting or discussing with each other. I mean, it is but natural, but I think it is not the best place to work in a women dominated work place. They argue, they take things personally, they look at each other's mistakes and not trying to improve thier work themselves. Maybe not necessarily in a women dominated work place, but who knows, I got to get into another work place. But from personal experience it helps when there are men around. I am not an extrovert, but i would say I am more of a listener. But i am learning with this co-worker of mine, Th, she is a very likeable lady, but she seems to make everything her business. She would stop by at every person she meets on the way to work. She's supposed to relieve me, but before that she would stop by and talk to Ms. J, they discuss about some things, then she tells her activities for the day. She might even mention what she had for lunch, whatever is happenning with her life, with her husband and etc. Then as she passess by Taf, she tells the same thing, and whoever she meets along the way would know her story. By the time she reaches my room, 10, 20 minutes would be gone. I am learning something from her though. You know mentioning the obvious. I think that's one reason some people misunderstand me because most often I would not finnish my sentence, I would let them finnish it, which is wrong because they may not really know what exactly I would say. But I am learning, and communication at work is important as well as communication at home. I am so serious about work, I mean, when I work, I really put efforts to it whether they recognise my efforts or not. It's just for my personal satisfaction. The thing is when other people does not do thier part I get disturbed. But I guess, it's important that I do my best, if they don't do thier part, it's thier choice.
abundant food for thought
There are of course those days that I cannot even make out a single word out of my brain and there are days that thoughts and thinks come streaming from my nerves and out from my finger tips almost wear out the keyboard. Today, I don't have much, a little bit, a little bit more I guess. But I tell you, yesterday I have watched a lot of stuff that were very touching, really touching I mean there were stuff that almost squeezed my heart causing tears to roll down my cheeks. That intense I mean. And it is very rare. Maybe they were able to touch my very soft spot of myself within. I mean I don't have anymore soft spot on my forehead. I actually have this coconut head hardened through the years now, but still breakable I guess. But deep in every sould we can be as hard as a rock at the same time soft as a marshmallow. I guess marshmallows,lol, can't think of anything soft. Or soft as a pillow.
So what touches your heart? I mean each one has different soft buttons.
The day is setting down. These evenings reminds me of my childhood. It reminds me of those evenings I spent with my parents back home. All the way half way around the globe. I still sometimes wonder how I reached this far, far place and became my home. Still there are things I miss in this place thousands of miles away. I can still remember those evening walks from the farm back to our place. I recall them as very peaceful, the sun setting down and we walk under the trees, sometimes stop by at some point to pick some fruits like star fruit, passion fruits, rambutan, guavas, pomelo and a lot more. Some of them I don't know their english terms (sala-isa) and some berries, I don't even know what kind of berries, I guess wild berries. Now, it makes me remember a lot of foods that I miss. Sugar cane, (pakwan) that is actaully water melon and some other kinds of melons. And yes there were papayas too, star apples, guess you never heard of this since I haven't seen it here in America. Of course mangoes, ripe and green mangoes of different varieties,( guyabano) too. I have to look up for the english term for this. Oh, jackfruit too. Yeah and growing up I haven't had apples and yet they teach in school A as in Apple. Oh! all the fruits you can eat. And that's just the fruits, i haven't mentioned some other delectable foods. Enough food fow now before I over feed you.
ON SECOND THOUGHT
Life is a delicate balance. That’s why when some say out of sight, out of mind, you may have to balance it with what others say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
While it’s true that birds of the same feather flock together, opposites likewise attract. It maybe true that the pen is mightier than the sword, but don’t actions speak louder than words? Don’t cross the bridge till you come to it is a good advice. Many times though forewarned is forearmed.
Consider how we look and what we wear. Some people claim that height is might and that black is beautiful. Well, there are those who think that small can be terrible and that white is gorgeous. It has been said that clothes make the man. But we’ve been warned never to judge a book by it’s cover, or a gift by it’s wrapper.
As a kid, I thought that only the things that are bigger are better. Growing up, I learned that some of the best things come in small packages.
You can’t teach an old dog an old trick. True in a sense and yet one is never too old to learn.
You hear people say that a good beginning makes a good ending. But some stubborn souls claim that it’s not over till it’s over.
There’s truth in saying, many hands makes light work. It is also true that often times too many cooks spoil the broth. Surely two heads are better than one, but if you want something done right, do it yourself.
All work and no play makes John dull boy, we’re told. Yet dogged persistence can count a lot because practice makes perfect.
Some people would rather be safe than sorry. But where nothing is ventured, nothing is gained.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Don’t beat a dead horse is a good advice. On the same vein, positive thinkers tell us that never quit and quitter never win. Realistic thinkers can look you in the eye and say quit trying or try quitting.
OH THE THINKS THAT YOU CAN THINK OF...........................I know it might just be a whole lot of nutting, but still makes sense to me. If it doesn't make sense to you, then, I am just a nut. But who cares anyway. I thinketh that stinketh.....brain brain, what fuels you to think? Give me some brain fuel. I have had a lot of human fuel, but I do need some brain fuel or brain food, I guess.Do you think the brains cells grow? by how many inches?Oh, I am nuts. Now, I remember I just had some fish for lunch, but still this brain of mine seems not working. I need to juggle those vocabularies and magic words to come up with a mind stimulating thoughts to chisel on my log book.I just want to work on it, just like how an artist would carve or stroke his work to perfection.
I am a drifter myself just like many. I am also a stranger walking on the streets. I go on my day to day life as you do. Striving, competing for a work well done at every end of the day. My other half call me "nutty buddy" so far I like it when he calls me that. I have always believed I must have something in this coconut shell I carry over my shoulders.Everybody should have. I mean, when you carry that heavy thing everyday from birth till death, then perhaps put something it it. Think of it as a micro chip that stores all the important things you want to keep. But saving that coconut also mean using it.O di ba? O diva? I know you might not understand that if you're not one of my kind. It's just an expression meaning "isn't it?".
My day is not that great, but still okey. The children have been antsy, rowdy but atleast we were able to go out to the playground. It drizzled a little bit and hope it won't rain hard. I get sleepy too and a little tired but things have been better so far.
This afternoon should alright if E comes back.J made lunch as usual. Green beans, cream of corn, grilled fish, battered fish and a bowl of rice. I must be gaining more weight.
Gosh, it is just a very normal day. Of course J left for work so here I am with my virtual friend hanging around. And of course I just got the bad nes of not getting the day I requested for vacation. It's probably because I haven't been there less than a year. But it's alright I guess. I could call in sick some other times.
About last night's dream, it was really wiered again. I can hardly remember them now, perhaps I should write them as soon as I get up. I look forward to go to dreamland everynight and experience the bizzare, the odd, the unnatural, the different dimensions that the mind can comprehend. Just atleast not the nightmares. They are really horrifying.
It wasn't the best time to be out there in the arcade. I wasn't in a very nice mood. But it was okey. I just have those moments when I feel like boiling inside even without valid reason. But I guess, everyone does have those unpleasant moments. Now, I try to feel good before going to bed so that I will have a good nights sleep.
Not so much for bad moods, anyway, I wonder how things will work out tomorrow. It' so nice of them to have somebody help me at work tomorrow.
I am trying hard to juggle again those few letters that are left in my head to come up with something interesting to read. But it seems I am out of them right now. Perhaps my head is just empty or I must be just tired. The days seems so normal, it gets boring sometimes. Atleast I should make up something extra ordinary in the virtual reality before waking up to the real world. Come on brain, work! I guess, I cannot be so mean to my own brain too huh. I'm sure it will soon come up with some interesting stuff later.Give it some rest and tomorrow we'll see.
It rained today Too often when it rains it gets hard for work. But I try to maintain my composure and keep my enthusiasm. It's hard but, it works sometimes. Right now, I am having spaghetti for lunch. It taste good. J is here right now and thanks to him for making lunch.
I had a hard time waking up this morning. I had a series of dreams and I can hardly remember them but when I have those dreamful nights it keeps me hammered to bed for a while. Thanks to the invention of alarm clocks. Next week it would be another long two weeks for I had to wake up as early as 6:30 AM. That's too early.
"I found you only to lose you all over again" Just a phrase from the movie in miami vice. Sometimes it is true.
Today is just one of the sunny days of summer. I have been locked up at home for the whole day but it didn’t bother me this time because I was so busy surfing the net and trying to build a new home page. It could take hours. J, my hubby won’t be coming home, so I had all day for myself. It’s quite fine for now, since this is the first time he is away. I do miss him. But I guess it’s alright. People do need some space sometimes. Now that I had all day to myself and enough quiet moments I thought of writing again. I tend to be able to write with colors when alone and undisturbed and given a lot of time to think deep, think far and see far from a distance. A very nice scenery sometimes triggers my imagination, but other factors too like emotions motivate me to write. A lot of times deep thoughts come pouring when I am surrounded with silence and I only hear the beating of my heart. I think, everyone should do that from time to time because it is a way of discovering yourself. I believe that there are some stuff we never knew about ourselves until we think and feel deep within us. I discovered a lot about myself that I have never known before confronted with stress, frustrations, confusions, came out some colors within me or let’s say tempers that I never knew I am capable of. It takes a lifetime to know thyself too. Everyday we face different situations that can twist and turn us upside down. We have different ways to counteract or react to them, in the process more and more of that person within us come out in the open.
I think that the first years of my marriage was a self discovery for me. It wasn’t easy. There was the bitter sweet taste to it, sometimes sour. But in the process I was able to improve my relationship with my husband and my relationship to myself and others. I was able to better understand the self within this physical body. I learn to slow my pace and check what my inner self needs.
I just stepped out and took a break before my butt sleeps. I went down the road and bought the Sunday paper. Then I cooked dinner. I made those flat noodles I learned to cook when I was in Hongkong. It was yummy.
I spent the rest of the evening surfing the net, browsing for interesting stuff. Then, when there was nothing else to do I tried to call Vee. I had the feeling she was avoiding me but there’s no way I can tell what her circumstances are for doing that. I recall she never sent me those pictures she told me and perhaps she was just having a bad day or she and V had a fight today and she thought it was V calling her and bugging her. Though I tried not to be disturbed, I just can’t help but think that we have drifted a little bit apart. Not only from the miles that set us apart but things are changing. The excitement in her voice is no longer there. I understand it could be from pressure and stress, but seems I am starting to fade away from her life. I hate to think it that way. And perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps it’s time to move on, while cherishing the friendship we shared. It’s just kind of hard for me after all those years. But nothing lasts forever. I’m sure I’ll get over it. Some things end in order for other things to begin. And yes, I keep wondering what will soon change with my life? Sometimes I just drift, move with the current then suddenly come to a halt. That’s when I really feel the emotion. It could sometimes be painful, it could be over joy, and sometimes it could be just plain awe and surprise and excitement. It is always changing like the weather, I never know when I hit the bottom again. Somehow I do manage to come up to the surface and breathe. But when I am at the bottom it scares me to death since no one hears me when I scream.
I know, I am just pouring out my hearts’ content. The evening seems gloomy for me. I dusted off my old address book and remember the friends I used to talk to. Now, even Vee doesn’t want to talk to me. Still, I maintain a positive thought. Tomorrow will be a busy day and I would have to go nighty night soon. Anyway, dusting off my junks, remind me of my past life. It seems a different world now. Two worlds apart and yet somehow, near.
Today is the next day from yesterday.
It was so weird. It was like watching my self in a movie transported into another world. The emotions are so real. Some of them still disturb me and some leaves me wondering during my wake hours. But I walk through these different dimensions some nights, sometimes intense, sometimes very vivid, and sometimes I don’t recall them. For the intense ones the emotions linger through the day. That weird feeling is still here lingering and bothering me but I feel it’s starting to fade. Don’t you wonder what’s the secret behind those dreams? It’s interesting how the images just pop up like a movie.
Anyway, I got to hurry up and finish my lunch before I get too late for work. I think I long for some changes in my life. I have to do things over and over everyday. I long for some magic to happen in my life. I guess I have to do the magic myself. Gosh! The clock is going so fast.
