Today is just one of the sunny days of summer. I have been locked up at home for the whole day but it didn’t bother me this time because I was so busy surfing the net and trying to build a new home page. It could take hours. J, my hubby won’t be coming home, so I had all day for myself. It’s quite fine for now, since this is the first time he is away. I do miss him. But I guess it’s alright. People do need some space sometimes. Now that I had all day to myself and enough quiet moments I thought of writing again. I tend to be able to write with colors when alone and undisturbed and given a lot of time to think deep, think far and see far from a distance. A very nice scenery sometimes triggers my imagination, but other factors too like emotions motivate me to write. A lot of times deep thoughts come pouring when I am surrounded with silence and I only hear the beating of my heart. I think, everyone should do that from time to time because it is a way of discovering yourself. I believe that there are some stuff we never knew about ourselves until we think and feel deep within us. I discovered a lot about myself that I have never known before confronted with stress, frustrations, confusions, came out some colors within me or let’s say tempers that I never knew I am capable of. It takes a lifetime to know thyself too. Everyday we face different situations that can twist and turn us upside down. We have different ways to counteract or react to them, in the process more and more of that person within us come out in the open.
I think that the first years of my marriage was a self discovery for me. It wasn’t easy. There was the bitter sweet taste to it, sometimes sour. But in the process I was able to improve my relationship with my husband and my relationship to myself and others. I was able to better understand the self within this physical body. I learn to slow my pace and check what my inner self needs.
I just stepped out and took a break before my butt sleeps. I went down the road and bought the Sunday paper. Then I cooked dinner. I made those flat noodles I learned to cook when I was in Hongkong. It was yummy.
I spent the rest of the evening surfing the net, browsing for interesting stuff. Then, when there was nothing else to do I tried to call Vee. I had the feeling she was avoiding me but there’s no way I can tell what her circumstances are for doing that. I recall she never sent me those pictures she told me and perhaps she was just having a bad day or she and V had a fight today and she thought it was V calling her and bugging her. Though I tried not to be disturbed, I just can’t help but think that we have drifted a little bit apart. Not only from the miles that set us apart but things are changing. The excitement in her voice is no longer there. I understand it could be from pressure and stress, but seems I am starting to fade away from her life. I hate to think it that way. And perhaps it’s just me. Perhaps it’s time to move on, while cherishing the friendship we shared. It’s just kind of hard for me after all those years. But nothing lasts forever. I’m sure I’ll get over it. Some things end in order for other things to begin. And yes, I keep wondering what will soon change with my life? Sometimes I just drift, move with the current then suddenly come to a halt. That’s when I really feel the emotion. It could sometimes be painful, it could be over joy, and sometimes it could be just plain awe and surprise and excitement. It is always changing like the weather, I never know when I hit the bottom again. Somehow I do manage to come up to the surface and breathe. But when I am at the bottom it scares me to death since no one hears me when I scream.
I know, I am just pouring out my hearts’ content. The evening seems gloomy for me. I dusted off my old address book and remember the friends I used to talk to. Now, even Vee doesn’t want to talk to me. Still, I maintain a positive thought. Tomorrow will be a busy day and I would have to go nighty night soon. Anyway, dusting off my junks, remind me of my past life. It seems a different world now. Two worlds apart and yet somehow, near.
Today is the next day from yesterday.
It was so weird. It was like watching my self in a movie transported into another world. The emotions are so real. Some of them still disturb me and some leaves me wondering during my wake hours. But I walk through these different dimensions some nights, sometimes intense, sometimes very vivid, and sometimes I don’t recall them. For the intense ones the emotions linger through the day. That weird feeling is still here lingering and bothering me but I feel it’s starting to fade. Don’t you wonder what’s the secret behind those dreams? It’s interesting how the images just pop up like a movie.
Anyway, I got to hurry up and finish my lunch before I get too late for work. I think I long for some changes in my life. I have to do things over and over everyday. I long for some magic to happen in my life. I guess I have to do the magic myself. Gosh! The clock is going so fast.
