Don't let anyone crush your spirit I think that I am more determined than ever. I was just told I was being dramatic. I knew that some people may think that way, as I have been reading people in the support group that they have had similar situations even with people close to them. Expecting it makes it more less troubling for me. People who are well don't go through the weird experiences that I go through, so they cannot possibly understand what I am going through. I try to describe it to them but even after I do, I know that my description is the closest thing I would come up with to describe what I am going through. Even when I do that I would get this response that makes me feel that they have not fully understand what I I have just said. To be honest, there are some experiences going through this pituitary issues that I cannot even put to verbal description that it is only a person like myself who undergoes the experience could understand. And I am getting mentally strong, I have been self-talking into positive thinking and way of dealing with things. This is really tough because even the doctors don't know how to respond to the symptoms that I present to them. They simply dismiss them. I believe that what I have is unique that needs to be addressed according to how the symptoms are presented. But yet my endocrinologist just sees it just like everyone who has non functioning macroadenoma. I believe that I may have hypopituitarism, as a complication of the surgery. Just because my hormone levels were within range, my endocrinologist think that everything is okey, yet everyday I have been having problems. Let me list some of my problems that are chronic; Igo to the bathroom almost 20 times in 24 hour period.I drink something and I have the urge to pee just few minutes after ingesting fluid. Sometimes it's just an urge but I have to do it because it is so uncomfortable. I have this itching which is everywhere in my body even my scalp. This itching could be anywhere in my body that seems to have some bubble of water at the tip of the bump and burst when I scratch it. The worst that I cannot handle are the outburst and the extreme mood swings. That little things irritate me and I would be ready to snap. I also noticed a form of paranoia. We would be out in the grocery store and I would think people are looking at me in a bad way and I would be paranoid.Or a cashier does not smile and I take it too negatively. When it happens it does not feel. I just have this hostile feeling within me that I feel like I am ready to snap if anybody even say something bad to me or even if they are not even say anything and I would interpret their facial expression in a very negative manner. My feelings in general is of irritation and agitation. That's just closest to how I could put the feelings into words. It's an overall uneasy,not feel good feeling. The other symptoms I have are heaviness on my eyelids, that almost feeling sleepy. Not all the way alert. Sometimes heaviness of my head. Literally, sensations of heaviness and lightness alternately. Somedays are better, sometimes mild pain, varies in intensity. Well, why am I writing all these down? Because I thought if I can come up with terms to describe all the weird feelings and sensations and symptoms maybe that would help me describe them when I am at the doctor's office. I thing the worst thing is to come out of there with the feeling that they didn't understand or didn't know what I am talking about. It is a depressing feeling. But I am not giving up hope and I just keep on trying to get the help I need. I think I am more determined than before now that I have regained some strength physically and also from simply wanting to get out of the hole that I am stuck in. People may unintentionally crush my spirit but I won't allow that. They may not even know that they are doing that. And I would go this approach that way I would not think that people are intentionally being mean to me. Because thinking that would even compound the reaction I would have.  I would like to think that people just meant well. This kind of thinking would not be possible before my surgery. I would have thought people are just out to get me. This sort of paranoid thinking compounded with catastrophic thinking. Let me describe what this catastrophic thinking, it was worst before my surgery. I would be driving and I have visions of swerving into traffic.And I mean, it was very real vision. Very frightening so makes me so anxious. Cannot think clearly. Brain fog.  I had to always work hard to keep my composure not to wreck the car. After the surgery, I have been calmer, but it still comes and goes. Not totally gone. Not as severe now. My ability to cope during stress has been reduced.After something stressful even, I would feel so drained. Feels mentally and physically exhausted. But following this stressful event I was back to the presurgery feelings that I have had before which are the outbursts, extreme mood swings and anxiety and paranoia. While having that I was having this general not feeling good mood and was not enjoying anything, any activity at all. I was a wreck.And with that, my husband of course would not want to be around me. It is extremely difficult. Well, my MRI is coming up, hopefully things will be better than the other one I had that showed inflammation and infection of the cavernous sinuses behind the sphenoid bone. I have been actively trying to prevent inflammation drinking concoctions of turmeric,coconut,cinnamon and apple cider honey drinks. I even tried parsley tea, to see if my liver will be cleansed. Some of them seems to be helpful, I was able to reduce the headaches but I have been having them again lately with the pressure that goes up my head when I stand. Oh, that  zooming in and out feeling is the worst. I would be sitting down and I would have them. Anyway, I am just mumbling and writing, hoping that this way I am able to feel better. Consider this my outlet to let out the frustrations and anxiety and all the other emotions that accompany this condition. I feel like I am the only one who can understand what's going on. It's true, when I start describing them people may think I am being dramatic. I am just trying to put what I am going through into words. But nobody seems to get it. And it is so frustrating.I seem to get these simplistic replies, that makes me feel that they really didn't get what I am trying to describe and convey. Oh well.  But I am determined more than ever. I am telling myself to just go on forward and manage the symptoms as they come. Afterall, it is me who has to live with this body that gets all that ambivalent feelings and thoughts and reacts in a way that some people find dramatic. I do find it dramatic too. Because when I watch movies I react in a certain way that's comes out as overreaction. I find it difficult to watch something that may not align with my morals, I keep getting angry. Even if I know that it's just tv. Am I insane or what?Anyway, enough with the rambling and let me do something else. Will update again and maybe unload my feelings and thoughts. Meanwhile enjoy the cool weather. It has been excruciatingly hot that I think this cooler weather is so pleasant should be enjoyed by being and about.
 My sweet kitty that passed away. I tear up every time I think of him.He was such a sweet gentle soul.
 Miss him dearly.

  ¶ 11:09 AM