I am just trying to find a corner somewhere to just spill out my guts and feelings where no one could judge me. Or that I feel open and just talk about anything without having to worry about filtering my emotions and thoughts for others. And that corner I find it here. Maybe buried somewhere in the bowels of the internet. I borrowed that word from my husband. "deep in the bowels of  the internet" sounds funny to me. In reality that's where I want my deepest and vulnerable emotions and thoughts would be. I do this because I think this is a way for me to feel better afterwards. A coping mechanism so that in real life I would feel normal and at least pretend to be alright despite all the un positive things going on around me where I feel like I am pummelled and hit with tons of unfriendly events that's causing me anguish if I were not  trying to stabilize my mental and emotional bearings in order to keep fighting the odds that are being thrown my way. Nobody of course knows that. They think I am uncaring. Nobody knows but me. I was reading an article about suicide and I cannot go on reading it. It's just devastating and really heavy tug that would pull anybody down who isn't strong enough to keep strong. What I am doing right now is keeping a positive mind. I am actively find ways and means to bolster my mental strength so I can withstand things that even sometimes come from the people who probably think they are helping, or who thinks they are trying to help. Some people who are also humans and does not see it from my point of view. I am trying to understand their point of view and  I would not blame them.

I just got a bad report today of my exam that I am trying to pass in order to take another exam.I didn't quite make it. It improved but that's not what is needed. I find it a consolation that it went up a notch. I have to keep jumping the hoops until I'll make it. I am telling myself "I cannot stop now" I am too close and all I have to do is to keep trying. It takes a lot of me and people around me don't understand that. But it's because it is invisible. I can only feel it and they don't. I get tired trying to explain how it's like to anybody and yet I keep trying to try have them understand yet I know they cannot fully understand what I am trying to describe because honestly, sometimes I cannot find a word to describe what it's like. But I am up for awareness of this disease that I keep hearing that it is common and yet I don't see awareness of the wide scope that are affected by this illness. Like right now I could feel like my head is being slightly squeezed, nobody would be able to feel that when I tell people.I, only can feel it.  It's really in my head. I would feel sensations, pulsations, pressure, sometimes wild colors and patterns and nobody sees what I see even while it is happening while I converse with them. I could smell and taste things, it is wild.  The experiences are unique, sometimes I feel high or low and I mean it in a balancing manner like my head would be so light I feel like I would be flying.Sometimes, it feels heavy that it also alters the way I walk like I am about to tip over. Sometimes I would get dizzy for just a second and then back to normal. I would also be sitting down and I feel like I am riding a roller coaster, zooming in and out or up and down.I am constantly trying to find ways to balance my hormones and I am trying to be proactive about it.Walking is always a great thing and I believe it is basing from my experience.I always feel better after walking.


Just a few moments ago, as I was cooking I was juts crying at the same time. And it has something to do with negative thoughts. The more I believe that my love ones think I am just putting out a drama when I talk about my illness, it hurts more and if I keep on keeping at it the more I feel like I am being jabbed in the heart and it is painful. The more I cried until I switched my thinking and decided to get hold and halt that obsessive thoughts that were torturing me. I think it is true that we can only retain negative memories and this seems to be true with me. I would be doing my own thing and there's  thought that inserts into whatever I was thinking and is mostly negative. It does not matter how long ago it was. I hate these thoughts. I want to remember good times. Not those times I got too embarrassed. Okey, there's this one I just remembered, we were at a DMV office somewhere in Louisiana and I for some reason I tried to look the bathroom I was in, but it didn't lock. So I sat and was on the process and for some reason, somebody who didn't see me go in there opened the door and the people facing me, saw me squatting in the bathroom. I got really embarrassed. I mean, I could really feel that sinking embarrassment when I passed by, the group of people see me in that bathroom. And that was played in my brain over and over this week while I was cooking. I find it funny now, but at that time I was new to Amurrrica and that really embarrassed me. I was young and naive. I think, there's something to aging that makes a person tougher and not be very sensitive anymore. I want to think that I have grown tougher skin and that it helps me deal with tough things in the long run. Anyway, after having lunch today and taking some of my medications, I think I have felt better and tougher. That's what I need, I need to toughen from within. I don't want to crumble with tough events and frustrations. So many things are very tough right now and I am holding on to the positive thought that things will get better.  ¶ 12:33 PM