It is fall again and the temperatures are getting nicer. I painted this last fall and have been painting since. I think I am better and able to paint more complicated things but as any skill, it would need to be polished and keep working on it as I go. I got motivated today because I read Ribbon X ramblings about her surgery. We did have undergone the same procedure. In fact, yesterday was one of my worst emotional roller coaster because of my menopausal reversal. What I mean by this is that I was given by my reproductive endocrinologist synthetic progesterone to start my period. Yes, I am 40 and had not been having my period for 2 years. He said my gonadotropins are low. I was actually furious when I heard my endocrinologist knew that my reproductive hormones were low and all they did was call me that everything was normal and that I should reschedule my appointment with her in 1 year. I feel like she is not much help. I knew that because she does not have any input when I talk about my symptoms. I am just glad that I was referred to a reproductive endocrinologist who is more knowledgeable about what hormones does to the body. I am even sent to test for hepatitis because my liver function test was elevated, something I mentioned to my primary doctor and she dismissed it to be medication induced without testing. I now think that I have to be more proactive and be more persistent in monitoring my lab results. Seems some doctors just rely too much on standard interpretation of lab results. I know that when one has endocrine problems it affects a lot of the organs in the body. And my endocrinologist is not helping me with what is going on so I get so frustrated. Anyway, I guess that's why I come and rant here to ease the frustrations I have. Some days my moods are good and maybe sort of think that things will get better. Yesterday was the worst after taking my progesterone and had my period, it's the last day of my period and I was too emotional. I turned from stone to something very soft and mushy.I cried a lot. It felt like there's a dark cloud over me. It felt like I was in a dark hole and kept spiralling deeper and deeper and I couldn't help it. That's how I had a glimpse of what depressed people might be suffering from. It felt like falling into a black hole and cannot get out of it. I know that it is irrational, but that's how my body feels and I cannot separate the two. It take a willpower to really spiritually pick yourself up out of that black hole. It is not a joke, in my mind I wanted to do things. I wanted to paint, but when I am in that state, nothing is done. My body just gets limp and just wants to lay down and wants to fall asleep. Anyway, that's how it felt like. So I am not sure whether feeling nothing is better or being too fragile. It is on the extreme sides of the spectrum and that's what hormones does. Right amounts of hormones, regulates mood. So, after my husband brought me out to eat chinese food, we went to Publix and I saw tiramisu, I decided we should try. We grabbed a couple of spoons and brought it to the mall and sat on an outdoor table and chairs and had our coffee and tiramisu. It was indeed a treat. Then we walked around, I started to feel better. We got a DVD and watched Bill Hader and Amy schumer. I forgot the title now. Gosh, see the brain fog. I cannot recall the title. Anyway, Amy Schumer was such a slut in this movie, she just slept with every guy she meets even a 16 year old intern in her company, so she got fired. Anyway, what I learned, when you are feeling  you are in a depressed state, try something new, take a long walk. It helps me a lot. I would do yoga, work out, or go running, it always lifts my spirit. It is medically proven because, exercise gets the good hormones flow. So, today, I am looking into painting something. It's just really shows how mood and creativity go hand in hand. My creative nature does not come out when I am in a depressed mood.I have to go shake it off first. Then start all over again. I have constant mental battle on a daily basis. So, I do a lot of reading of how to keep the mind healthy too. I have to do this because my doctors don't talk about the psychological, emotional and social aspect of my disease. I wish my doctors would see it in a more holistic manner.It's a struggle, but I just have to keep on keeping on and get the help I need. Maybe proactive in gaining back health. Keep managing it, because I refuse to give up. Manage it from day to day. I know, yesterday, I have been having this pain, stabbing pain on my right side of my chest and abdomen and it made me physically ill.A generalized body malaise yesterday, so I am curious as to what the result of my hepatitis lab work. I have always thought my liver might be enlarged. And it turns out I might be right, but I will wait and see what it says. Hopefully it's not what they think it is. but we'll see. I will update you on that. Meantime, keep on keeping on....  ¶ 11:11 AM (0) comments

  I am just trying to find a corner somewhere to just spill out my guts and feelings where no one could judge me. Or that I feel open and just talk about anything without having to worry about filtering my emotions and thoughts for others. And that corner I find it here. Maybe buried somewhere in the bowels of the internet. I borrowed that word from my husband. "deep in the bowels of  the internet" sounds funny to me. In reality that's where I want my deepest and vulnerable emotions and thoughts would be. I do this because I think this is a way for me to feel better afterwards. A coping mechanism so that in real life I would feel normal and at least pretend to be alright despite all the un positive things going on around me where I feel like I am pummelled and hit with tons of unfriendly events that's causing me anguish if I were not  trying to stabilize my mental and emotional bearings in order to keep fighting the odds that are being thrown my way. Nobody of course knows that. They think I am uncaring. Nobody knows but me. I was reading an article about suicide and I cannot go on reading it. It's just devastating and really heavy tug that would pull anybody down who isn't strong enough to keep strong. What I am doing right now is keeping a positive mind. I am actively find ways and means to bolster my mental strength so I can withstand things that even sometimes come from the people who probably think they are helping, or who thinks they are trying to help. Some people who are also humans and does not see it from my point of view. I am trying to understand their point of view and  I would not blame them.

I just got a bad report today of my exam that I am trying to pass in order to take another exam.I didn't quite make it. It improved but that's not what is needed. I find it a consolation that it went up a notch. I have to keep jumping the hoops until I'll make it. I am telling myself "I cannot stop now" I am too close and all I have to do is to keep trying. It takes a lot of me and people around me don't understand that. But it's because it is invisible. I can only feel it and they don't. I get tired trying to explain how it's like to anybody and yet I keep trying to try have them understand yet I know they cannot fully understand what I am trying to describe because honestly, sometimes I cannot find a word to describe what it's like. But I am up for awareness of this disease that I keep hearing that it is common and yet I don't see awareness of the wide scope that are affected by this illness. Like right now I could feel like my head is being slightly squeezed, nobody would be able to feel that when I tell people.I, only can feel it.  It's really in my head. I would feel sensations, pulsations, pressure, sometimes wild colors and patterns and nobody sees what I see even while it is happening while I converse with them. I could smell and taste things, it is wild.  The experiences are unique, sometimes I feel high or low and I mean it in a balancing manner like my head would be so light I feel like I would be flying.Sometimes, it feels heavy that it also alters the way I walk like I am about to tip over. Sometimes I would get dizzy for just a second and then back to normal. I would also be sitting down and I feel like I am riding a roller coaster, zooming in and out or up and down.I am constantly trying to find ways to balance my hormones and I am trying to be proactive about it.Walking is always a great thing and I believe it is basing from my experience.I always feel better after walking.


Just a few moments ago, as I was cooking I was juts crying at the same time. And it has something to do with negative thoughts. The more I believe that my love ones think I am just putting out a drama when I talk about my illness, it hurts more and if I keep on keeping at it the more I feel like I am being jabbed in the heart and it is painful. The more I cried until I switched my thinking and decided to get hold and halt that obsessive thoughts that were torturing me. I think it is true that we can only retain negative memories and this seems to be true with me. I would be doing my own thing and there's  thought that inserts into whatever I was thinking and is mostly negative. It does not matter how long ago it was. I hate these thoughts. I want to remember good times. Not those times I got too embarrassed. Okey, there's this one I just remembered, we were at a DMV office somewhere in Louisiana and I for some reason I tried to look the bathroom I was in, but it didn't lock. So I sat and was on the process and for some reason, somebody who didn't see me go in there opened the door and the people facing me, saw me squatting in the bathroom. I got really embarrassed. I mean, I could really feel that sinking embarrassment when I passed by, the group of people see me in that bathroom. And that was played in my brain over and over this week while I was cooking. I find it funny now, but at that time I was new to Amurrrica and that really embarrassed me. I was young and naive. I think, there's something to aging that makes a person tougher and not be very sensitive anymore. I want to think that I have grown tougher skin and that it helps me deal with tough things in the long run. Anyway, after having lunch today and taking some of my medications, I think I have felt better and tougher. That's what I need, I need to toughen from within. I don't want to crumble with tough events and frustrations. So many things are very tough right now and I am holding on to the positive thought that things will get better.  ¶ 12:33 PM (0) comments

  Emotional Dumping


It always makes me feel better when I see cats. So I am going to add a photo of Waffle. She was our rescue kitty. She and her kittens have been adopted. I hope they are doing great.  Well, below are just ramblings of my confused and chaotic mind trying to make sense of things.

I would call this the trash bin. I believe that I might be able to feel better if I write the awful feelings I have been having. I believe it is therapeutic and I didn't have to verbally be saying it out loud to the persons involve or thought are involved.I think a lot of times my brain is tricking me into a different way of thin king and dealing with things that are not helpful. Especially the negative aura that I get from people and even loved ones. I kept saying to myself yesterday that these people meant well and I might be the one misinterpreting things. After I slept it off, I felt so much better. But when I was deep in this negative thoughts I was full of resentment and I really felt awful. I was feeling like I need to flee out of here somewhere where I cannot be reached and mostly I feel that way when things gets rough. It's not very good position, we get caught in the middle of other people's business and activities which we would not really like to get involved in but we would feel guilty and have to give in just to make the other person happy. Or that feeling of trying not to offend or make them feel bad,so we just go along as to what they say. I understand, it is really hard to live with people. There will always be compromises. But right at this moment for me, I feel like I want to flee and be free from them. Of course these are things you would never say to loved one's face. Especially to people who have helped you a lot. But this so called help could seem to be a shackle that binds me to them and that feeling is not good. I feel ungrateful thinking that, but I  that's reality and we need to free ourselves from that. We need to work towards that. Meanwhile, patience...patience is key. Even with my condition, I think patience is key. And don't let anyone kill that spirit that is slowly trying to grow within. Strengthen your mind and practice work outs of positive talk to build brain strength. I don't want anyone to crush my spirit just as I thought I am gaining and trying hard to stand again and rise above this. Gotta rise above all these.Patience.....patience.  ¶ 12:10 PM (0) comments